He was lost

He was lost. He couldn’t even remember how he had gotten here.

It really didn’t matter. She was gone.

He didn’t have anywhere that he wanted to be. He might as well be here, wherever that was.

At least it was warm and it wasn’t raining. He looked around and settled down on a green park bench. The scenery was beautiful but it didn’t cheer him up.

She was gone.

A gentle breeze rustled the leaves on the trees. A blue sky with white fluffy clouds framed the background. The gentle noise of people playing Frisbee or just hanging out in the lush surroundings drifted by his ears. He didn’t notice…

She was gone.

He allowed his mind to drift back to her.  A momentary weakness. Her smile. Those eyes. He could drift into her gaze and be lost forever. A universe hidden behind those beautiful brown orbs. He didn’t allow his thoughts to venture near those lips. The pain that cut through him even as he allowed that glimpse was already too much for him to bear.

He should be stronger. He tightly held his heart, stopping it from swelling until it burst. He closed his eyes to hold back the tears that would flow.

Breathing slowly he regained some of his composure. He knew a few things. He knew that she loved him. He could see it when she looked at him. When she took his hand in hers. He could feel it. He could feel it as it lifted him up.

He remembered when they had met in San Francisco near Fisherman’s wharf. He was singing at some festival that he couldn’t recall. His band was one of many. She was in the crowd watching and dancing. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She was so beautiful. The way she moved captivated him. Pure grace in motion.

He was young and foolish and still filled with hope despite his injuries from the war. A limp. A sacrifice for his country that meant he would never know the joy of fatherhood. Still he was young and desires of the heart were still part of who he was. He smiled and as he introduced his band he looked directly at her and dedicated the next number to the Angel in the audience.

She blushed but smiled.

That started a long and wonderful friendship. How he wished it were more. He loved her. Desired her. Wanted her. But he knew a few things. Like the embarrassment of having to be helped onto the moving trolley. His limp too pronounced. His leg too stiff for him to make that leap alone. Still, she smiled but he knew. 

For a while the friendship was enough. They enjoyed each other’s company. She would dance and he would sing. They loved to laugh and walk hand in hand.

One night he found her crying. A deep sorrowful mourning cry. He tried to put an arm around her and she cringed at his touch. As if his touch cause pain too great to bear.

He stood there not knowing what to do. He just waited and felt his heart breaking. He knew.

Unfortunately he knew.

She cried out all the tears afforded her and turned to look at him. He wanted to turn and run. He didn’t want to face this moment that he had known would come. He didn’t want to witness the pain that was lodged so deep inside her heart. The pain that was there because of him.

She tried to say the words. She said she loved him. But. But.

He knew that words before the “but” have little value. It is what is said after that had the real meaning.

She loved him but, but her heart was breaking, she was getting older, she loved him, but she needed to have a child. She really needed… The words would not come out but it didn’t matter. He knew. He knew that he was not the man. He was unable. She loved him but… she needed to fulfill her desires. He was not the man she deserved. He could not give her the gift of life that cried loudly from her soul.

Instead of words more tears flowed. Between the gulps for air she blurted. I am sorry. I need to leave.

That was six months ago.

She was gone.

He knew that he needed to move on.  He knew that she had been hurting before she left. There are not many things more painful than feeling your heart pull you in two different directions. Something has to break.

He could have insisted. He could have chased her. He could have…

He could never cause her harm. He did not want her hurting. He let her go, knowing it was right. Releasing one tug on her heart.

He hoped that she was happy. He prayed that she found what her heart was demanding. He needed to let go. He knew.

A big breath and he stood up. He noticed the sky was blue. He wandered across the park and saw the stage. No longer lost. He had come full circle. This is where his life had started.

An end and a beginning. Full circle.

Let go and move on.

He sat on the stage and looked out across the park. The water glistening brightly in the distance. People playing. As he listened a familiar song slowly grew louder. A familiar  voice echoed as if from the center of his soul. Closer it approached him. He could hear the footsteps across the stage. The singing grew louder. The song the one he had sung to an Angel so many years ago…

As a hand touched his shoulder he dared to turn and find the face that was forever etched in his mind. She was smiling and urged him to stand up. He struggled with his lame leg but her smile never wavered. She simply waited. Once he was standing she said.

“My turn to sing and your turn to dance. The rest we can work out along the way”