I See Her Everywhere

He wasn’t sure if it was his fever or the anticipation that was making him shake. He was so tired and yet he felt that this was something that he must do. Maybe this would be his only chance. Maybe it was his last chance. He had faced it before and had always walked away swallowing his tongue. He could see the way that she looked at him. But his heart was demanding it. He held hope in his left hand and looked at its ugliness. A broken piece of shiny glass. Sharp edges. Shards that would cut deep. It was only a small piece but that didn’t matter. Hope was powerful stuff. The smallest of pieces could change the world. Even armed with that magic he knew that he would need every ounce. He mustered every last drop of energy that hadn’t been consumed by the pain that was tormenting him. The operation was tomorrow and he had considered using that piece of hope towards a successful recovery.

His aging hands rolled that piece of hope. The thumb gently guiding the turning glass. Small cuts were evidence of his consideration. Just scratches as the hope scraped his skin, opening up the body’s outer defenses. Practice maybe. He would be splitting his chest wide open to reach his heart. Completely vulnerable. Completely at her mercy. With those thoughts his heart quickened. Beating with all the adrenaline that still remained. A little more strength. A little more thought. What were the words? He had practiced a million times or more. He knew the exact intonations that he would use. He wished that he could pick a better moment. But regrets were worse.
Don’t you think?

Do it with a smile. Do it pretending to be at your best even when you felt at your worst. She deserved the best that you had. Wrap it up in the prettiest paper. His best wasn’t much but they were all that he had.

He still felt the shaking. Especially in his hands. Was the dizziness from his illness or had he stopped breathing? There were times that he couldn’t think of anything but her. During one obsessive moment he wrote down the words that haunted him.

I see her everywhere.
As I wake she is on my mind. I see her as a vision, deep in thought.
Smiling even as she leaves without a farewell.

I see her everywhere.
As I pour my coffee I wonder how she drinks hers. Cream and sugar?
Or chocolate brown like the color of her hair?

I see her everywhere.
As I climb into my car to go to work I can’t help but wonder
what are her plans for the day? Will it be a day of work or a day of play?

I see her everywhere.
As I turn the corner I see a car. Is that hers?
My heart skips a beat in anticipation of her bright hazel eyes and then I sigh seeing the eyes of a stranger.

I see her everywhere.
I turn on the radio and hear a sweet tune as I gently drift into her song in my heart.
A song of beauty. A song of joy. A song filled with tears.

I see her everywhere.
The phone rings and I hope it’s her until I remember that there is no reason for her to call.
I hate the voice that I hear even before I even hear it

I see her everywhere.
As I type my report I insert her name.
Delete, delete. I can’t have it this way.

I see her everywhere.
At lunch I eat although I have no hunger.
My thoughts of her fill me overflowing as I nibble on my food.

I see her everywhere
In the silence of the afternoon I need to place my head in my hands and wash away the pain.
Love is such a drug, shooting you high and crashing you to the ground.

I see her everywhere.
Damn my heart! Why does it love this way?
Holding back my selfish tears I wonder if I really know love.

I see her everywhere.
My mind sees the truth. There is nothing I can offer her.
Even my love has no value.

I see her everywhere.
Holding back the pain.
Trying to mend the rips in my soul I drift into a fitful sleep only to see her in my dreams.
...I see her everywhere.


And there she is. There is a lump in his chest as he gazes at her. Her smile devastates him. Making him crumble into the fool he is. All the trumped up masks fade to nothing. He knows that she can see right through him. He knows that the world can see right through him.

Now she’s walking towards him. What is she thinking? Can she see the quickening of his breath? Does she know that his mind is blazing? The weakening of his legs makes him wobble. So close that he can smell her sweetness. Her smile so strong that it lifts him up. And she is talking, “Jack, I wish you luck tomorrow”. Here it is heaven and hell all at once. A moment that he has dreamed of and has been haunted by for years. She is wrapping her arms around him. Enveloping him in her softness. Pulling him tightly in a quick embrace.

Somebody with his voice is whispering in her ear, “Diane, whatever happens I want you to know that I love you”

There are only a few moments in your life that you experience time in slow motion. This was one of those times for Jack. He counted his heartbeats and when he reached one and a half he felt her pull away and look into his face. The look that she gave him was one that still remains burned behind his eyes. There was puzzlement and fear. Her brain was working at a fevered pace. He could see the clicks and turnings of the cranks. He saw her swallow the lump that was lodged in her throat. And then there were her eyes. So hazel. So deadly as they shot off the look that killed him. Amusement at first and then realization that this was no joke. She stepped back abruptly and as she turned to leave, fired off a “take care of yourself” and she was gone.

No longer needing to be strong, Jack slumped to the floor and pulled his chest to his knees. The blood dripped off his left hand where he had grasped the hope that he held so hard. There were deep grooves flowing with his deep red blood. He watched it drip to the floor. Now the hope was gone replaced only by the pain.

No anger. No regret. He had known that a women like her could never love a man like him. He was sorry that he had been so cruel to her. He felt the pain of rejection. She must feel the pain of destroying him. But he had given her no other choice. She hadn’t asked for the burden. She didn’t deserve the responsibility. He hoped that she would be OK.